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WWF Comes to Michigan [ The Happy Hour Archive | obereed.net ] ------------------------------------------------ FRIDAY..FRIDAY..FRIDAY! 4:00 at THE BROWN JUG! WWF sponsors THE BATTLE OF THE NAMES! pitting UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN FACULTY against the TOP PSYCHOLOGISTS IN THE WORLD! ---------------------------------------------------------- Opening Match: "The Battle For the Most Plain Name" "ED SMITH" vs. "JOHN ANDERSON" Champion Smith defends his belt against a young upstart Anderson. Smith's patented "PET SCAN OF DEATH" has previously crushed the "MAGIC CHUNKER HOLD" of former Plain Name Posterboy and world champion "GEORGE MILLER". Anderson, however, is coming off a big victory over "TOM NELSON", in which Anderson disabled Nelson's "META-MEMORY CHOP" with his new move, the "SPREADING ACTIVATION CHOKER". The Wager: The Winner gets to be called "JOHN SMITH" in the future. The loser will be known as "ED ANDERSON". ---------------------------------------------------------- "Battle from Beyond the Grave" PATTI "Two-Brains" REUTER-LORENZ vs. KONRAD "Ecological Validity" LORENZ The posthumous Lorenz has returned from retirement for this duel. While still on the circuit, he was known for his "Critical Period Clothesline" that sent many wily opponents to the mats. One can only wonder if his recent lack of practice will give newcomer Patti, and her "Ipso-lateral Hemi-Spatial Neglect Pile-Driver", a large enough advantage to win this matchup. The Wager: If Reuter-Lorenz wins, Konrad must voluntarily undergo a callosotomy, and become Patti's personal neuropsychological subject-slave. If Konrad wins, Patti must change her name to Patti Reuter and and allow her son to be raised by geese. ---------------------------------------------------------- "The Battle of the Greeks" JOHN "The Greek" JONIDES vs. LEDA "The Greek" COSMIDES vs. MICHAEL "The Greek" PETRIDES. In this title-unifying cage match, One will emerge as The Lone Fighter with the right to use "The Greek" in their name. Early in the fight, we expect two of the "The Greek"'s will gang up on a third "The Greek" until subdued, and then turn on each other like wild dogs. It is anybody's guess who will win. The Wager: If Jonides wins, the other two are required to remove the "r" from the "The Greek" in their nicknames. If Cosmides wins, the others must change the pronunciation of their names to the 2-syllable versions that everybody uses anyway. If Petrides wins, the others are required to change their names to Michael "The Greek" Petrides. ---------------------------------------------------------- TAG TEAM BOUT: "The Models and the Men" SOAR and JOHN LAIRD vs. THE MENTAL MODEL and PHIL JOHNSON-LAIRD. Recent developments in Artificial Intelligence assure us that SOAR will outwit both the Mental Model and Johnson-Laird. However, syllogistic reasoning has never been one of Laird's strong suits, and in the past ACT* has used this to get him against the ropes. The matchup looks fairly even. Rumor has it Johnson-Laird has been working on a new move he calls the "Wason-Card-Sort Sleeper", that may play a role if he finds himself alone in the ring with SOAR. The Wager: If Laird Wins, Johnson-Laird must take the name Phil Son, and The Mental Model must adopt the new moniker "SOAR-MM". If Johnson-Laird wins, Laird must assume the name "Butros Butros Laird", while SOAR will be required to subgoal recursively until its goal-stack reaches heaven. ---------------------------------------------------------- "There Can Be Only One" DAVID E. MEYER vs. DAVID G. MYERS These two Michiganders will square off in a dual to the death. Meyer has won acclaim by crushing opponents with his "Bee-Bay-Bah-Boo-Bearhug", but Myers should not be counted out, as he is known to use his thick Intro to Psychology textbook to bash in his opponents skulls. This match is sure to be an exciting spectacle. The Wager: Whoever wins gets to live. |